Perspective from a sex positive mage…

im trying
attempting
to simply allow the love
without some other agenda

but the pattern is slick
and its hard to hold you
close without wanting something more

to hold you
with your legs stomach shoulders and your head
resting against me

its not sexual arousal
im not allowing sex a place here

but it is erotic
and i think about it
want more of it
persistently

this is a familiar kind of experience
the persistent desire for more

ha
even right now
i am hasty
wanting you to read this right now
wanting your reaction
wanting your permission

ultimately i simply want you
to feel this as a gift
as i do
without some need to elevate it somewhere outside of us

this one is challenging to write
ive spent too much time in my life
feeling down about how i want more attention
than i get

but its up for me right now
and i feel more confident
and easy about my life right now
and time carved for this anyway

so here i go

in relationship
i have a standard
its related to the amount of time it takes
for a message to connect
be read
and then responded to

my standard is reasonable
its a litmus test of sorts

within minutes
within hours
within a day
within the week
weeks later

depending on the content of the
outbound message
these gradients show me how much
of a priority
i am in your life

when you see my message you acted immediately
even though it might have been an interruption
you read and respond promptly
without hesitation or planning

for better or for worse
texting is easier than ever
emojis make it possible to
respond without words

thats not always satisfying either
but at least it shows an acknowledgement
of message recieved
and something has been responded

i even use this litmus test on myself

when a lover sends a note
i enjoy the immediate emotional boost i get
for me
its natural to respond with enthusiasm

if i am not responding in that way
then i have to check in with myself
and be honest about how interested i might be in this person
if i have questions
or barriers unspoken
then it is time to speak them

period

i dont keep hanging on
without words
for weeks

a small personal story to share:

recently i met a girl at a sex party
she and i got the delicious opportunity to make out and sweat with each other
we stumbled into a bedroom and groped for what felt like too short of a time
i was mesmerized with her
she was more intrigued by the collective social scene
and delightfully communicated both her interest in me and her curiosity to be around others during the event

i noted this as a highly evolved state
to be aroused and engaged
and fully aware of the range of desire and emotion in the moment

after the event and after weeks passed
i reached out and we reconnected
the mutual interest continued
then suddenly stopped
i was left hanging without explanation

we recently reconnected at a show
an unlikely place for me to be
but there i was
alone
and it was awkward to reconnect
because of the gap

late that evening she noted that she was interested in continuing a relationship
that she was sorry for the gap
acknowledging her intent had never been for silence
but that there were real circumstances
and most importantly that the interest persists

most of the time i feel nitpicky about this
but its time i mark the standard
and stop the addictive behavior that happens when i am NOT getting
frequency

its lyrical
at best
but its more like
an assumption
a philosophical
underpinning
telling us
that somehow
all of this chaos
is ordered

i have no idea where to put these thoughts right now
i am obsessed about a woman who appears to be from the fae

she isnt the first to find and hook my attention in this way
she is delightfully free and independently mutually interested

between us is something magically effortless
its easy and simple
we are lovers who are finding and unfolding love between us
at first
inside these christmas lit brick walls
without limits

rubbing our elbows up against the void when we first said hello
next we found boundaries quick
started to explore more deeply and found hideous cinderblock walls that neither of us placed there
disappointment didnt linger
however surrender and release and detachment from the dreamy promise of free flowing romance
that lingered
and i have fought to keep connected to those boundaries
out of respect
for him
the other
him
again

as painful as it is to turn away from musing
to undo the dreams as they begin to break the skin into my presence
holding them firm
praying they dont burst
remaining hyper committed to respect for the other
regardless

there is safety in that commitment
in holding
and saving
with patience

placing hope on an alter
to linger there
and age appropriately

each reach
challenging me like a sharply spiked ball
bouncing around my safe room of overfilling ballons
losing patience

or like a subdermal thorn
digging into the space where the muscle of my heart
beats

either i stop the beating
or i let it grow and burst and spill the fluid drama everywhere

yes
its a mess
and yes
i trust we can handle it
like humans present in this experience of uncovering
the fresh emotion
feeling the delight
like the first strawberry of summer
bursting

sensorial delight
completely lacking the surface tension
any longer

massive celebration
like wind through the leaves in early winter
thrusting leaves through power lines
and out
swirling away
and farther from the roots

its easy to get lost out there
winding our way around the new air
high above all the seemingly unimportant
linear
boundaries that held me tethered for long

maybe too long.
now the unfolding returns
mayhaps.

been talking with Alix
and others

ill be back with more from Mac soon

first, i meet with my shaman

from there the doors of desire
open
attention brought fully
present
and production turned
full tilt

sex with new lovers last night
plus deep connected sex with mi moglie this morning
giving me a serious kick in the ass

out for now
molata

im finding myself thinking about women all the time
there is a man, one, who i am interested in having
his wife has told me in the past that he wants to be pegged
of course i asked if i could peg him
she said that she and i could do it together

but so far, though she and i have been naked and oily with each other, he hasnt opened up to me for anything more than friends at a distance
i do want more
ive cum all over his wife, which was some of the hottest most delicious high school grinding i have ever done
it was the same time we were naked and oily together
she is still my grind buddy but nothing more because i am also on his list for who his wife cannot fuck

now i find myself dreaming daily about sex
usually i am simply too busy to pursue it but idle hands and all that
the devil gets in side me and bam
i go wild with desire hungry to taste and lick and suck and be sucked
the gripping and grinding and fucking
with pornography and drugs and passionate screams for more

why wouldn’t i

why aren’t you